TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are talking Damascus, the city historically recognized for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be huge. Great!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed within the putting environmentally friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and solely outside of put. Developed by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable water. But Certainly, positive, let us have Yet another place wherever American Guys can wear robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace attempt considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though previous negotiations unsuccessful underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is easier: supply Everybody a collection within the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


According to documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often gentle electricity," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock desires less diplomats plus more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Just about every unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination pointed out, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower within a war zone. It is really that he should quit using it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regards to the challenge, replied, "You know, man, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic individuals. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the lodge's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head obvious from Room, a attribute becoming marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as chin is… nicely, categorized.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after getting the constructing's gold plating reflected a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It truly is not only unsightly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Confusing Capabilities


Probably the strangest aspect from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where attendees may perhaps ponder vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, full with local weather Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Regional Syrians are Doubtful what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Tactic: "In case you Bomb It, They are going to Come"


The advert campaign, not too long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Eternally."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "where's the nearest elevator into the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is currently attracting awareness from Global traders, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll buy 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage may even contain:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to see a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort the place my PTSD may have turn-down company."


A different article from @KuwaitiKardashian merely requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reviews counsel:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to create a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten Trump Tower Damascus concerned. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Last Thoughts from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It desired gold. It desired a waterslide shaped such as the Constitution. I gave all of it three. You happen to be welcome."

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